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it is difficult for me to describe myself in a sense because what one thinks of them self isn't necessarily how others perceive you.We review the paths of our lives, how we’ve both come to this place at this time and how perhaps we are two ships caught on the same wave, and our meeting would be just a coincidence then and no more, but . — and perhaps all we ever wanted was someone at the other end to tell us we are still acceptable, redeemable, possibly irreplaceable, and so we talk until we run out of words, until all our words have run out of us, and finally, there is silence and finally, what can we do but sleep?It feels like I’m almost lost, almost too far gone to ever make it back to whatever it was I was before, whatever that person was, mostly concerned with negotiating low mortgages, getting above-the-rate-of-inflation annual salary increases, buying Apple shares on dips, and I think, whatever that person was, he is far back now, behind a bunker-thick wall of concrete and steel, and I’m not sure he exists anymore and I’m not sure he ever existed.We talk until you have to change handsets because the batteries are about to die and we talk until I hear the two beeps telling me the batteries are about to die in mine and so we laugh and say this must be our cue to say goodnight and we promise to talk soon, and after we hang up I think about the minimum number of hours that must pass before I can call you without seeming somewhat desperate or stalkerish and why isn’t there a rule book on this and why doesn’t the blogosphere have a well-researched, well-opinionated, well-commented post on this, but etiquette be damned, I want to call you back ten seconds after we hang up. You call Friday evening just after nine and I pick up and you say, “Oh, I thought you’d be out so I was just going to leave a message,” and I say, “Oh, I was going to go out but it was cancelled so you’ve got me for the evening,” and I know that sounds lame, like I just made it up but it’s true (it’s true the date with Jen was cancelled but I don’t tell you it was a date and I wonder: though I didn’t tell a lie, I didn’t reveal the truth, so was a bad seed planted here? And so we talk for maybe hours, maybe days — who can really tell?), and I could feel a pause, but then you breathe and you forgive me this non-lie/non-truth, or perhaps think nothing of it, or at least let it pass by, but still, the conversation turns and you tell me about the bird you saw this morning that flew into the window and fell to the ground and I tell you about how a friend at work is ill and may not recover and you tell me about your mother and her emphysema, her smoker’s lung, and I tell you about my father, whom I haven’t spoken to in over a year and you say, “I understand about that, about how you can lose touch,” and then you tell me about how you never said goodbye to your grandmother and I say, “I’m sorry,” and even as we speak these private things, we realize we’ve been wanting someone for a very long time now with whom to share, respond, react to these private things. but what if we are actually particles of the wave itself, with the same frequency, direction and amplitude, and could that not then be considered destiny that we have finally discovered each other, opened our eyes to each other? How can we ever discern between coincidences and destiny? — and maybe this conversation will last only for a season or maybe this will last for the rest of our lives — who can really know?




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